Emotion Driven Clarity

I will be the first to tell you that my character flaw is my ability to hold it all in.  I avoid confrontation like the plague.  This is something I am slowly breaking away from. But none the less, I am severely passive aggressive.

All joking aside this is something I need to work on.

The reason I bring it us is because as a woman there are times where hormones hit us and you need to be careful where you're standing, what you're saying and the tone in which you said it.  My poor Jonathan fell victim of this this week.  (Jonathan is the man in my life).  There are things that get to me, just like everyone else.  However, those things can be brushed off in my world for weeks, months or even over a year in this case.  Needless to say, Jon got the butt-end of the deal.  Not only did he lose sleep one night as my fuming self refused to discuss said catastrophe, but he also received a very blunt and honest email the next day where he was lucky enough to sit on it for 11 hours at work before we would have a chance to hash it out.  This lead to another sleepless night.... sleepless but productive mind you. We did (as always have a wonderful communicative talk about how we don't communicate enough.) The best part is when this happens, we actually change things and work together to make it better.

Today I feel better. Tired. Very.very.very. Tired. But better. and I like that he gets to sleep in today.  As much as I hate my tendency to lean toward staying mum on my concerns, I like that it lead to a very good and loving evening with the man I love. A man that also bares the same fault.  Good thing is being committed to making something work allows two people to grow together. :)

Words Meant to Hurt

Being divorced and having children with a man who is incapable of seeing his faults is frustrating.  Frustrating is quite possibly the nicest way I can put that.  My ex husband and I don't see eye to eye.  He is honestly the one person in my life, that I wish would simply disappear.  However, he is the one person in my children's life, I hope never does.  (Its a strange mix of emotions I assure you).

At this point he and I try to do our best by the children.  We have 50/50 custody and split all holidays bi-annually. This year he has the kids for Thanksgiving, and as we are texting out the schedule change details he decides this is his opportune time to belittle me and my life.  Where I fight the urge to write all the nasty remarks, I have decided to turn my cheek and let it fall off my back.

 I will though learn from this.  People who speak words (or in this case text them) with intentions to just hurt. To dig at, or to blatantly be rude to a person, is no person I want in my life.  This is one of many reminders that I have daily that solidify my decision to leave my marriage.  A decision that was the hardest thing I ever did. (for the sake of my children).  

His remarks remind me why I am so in love with my boyfriend.  Why I am so blessed to have the breath of fresh air that he is in my life. And how lucky my children are, to be able to see the way a man is supposed to treat a woman... and even luckier that I have a man in my world that loves me just as much.

Ex... eat your words, and live in your miserable life.  I however will sleep well tonight and be hopeful for what tomorrow will bring.

The Old Man and the Sea by Ernest Hemingway

Book 2 of 100: Check


On September: "The month when the great fish come. Anyone can be a fisherman in May"


Oh Santiago!! Where do I begin with this book. This book of 127 pages, of easily written genius. Where do I begin.


It is fantastic! I mean... come on its written by the great Ernest Hemingway, should I have expected anything less? The old mans drive and perseverance was inspiring.


Day 85 was indeed lucky old man.


The book creates a lifetime of struggles wrapped up in 4 days. Starvation, pain, exhaustion. His willingness to continue in a fight to the end when all seems lost. Along with his harpoon, knife and in the end his fish. Returning after 4 days with nothing but a story, and the bones of a once 1500 pound marlin that wouldn't fit in his boat. A marlin that pulled him out to sea for days until he finally prevailed and caught his fish. The journey home was difficult, but once there, you experience what life is all about. A roof over your head, and having someone to love you. That was all that mattered.


I enjoyed this book. It showed me that sometimes, regardless of the outcome, the fight is worth it.

1984 By George Orwell

Book 1 of 100: Check


WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH


I started with this book for a few reasons: first, my boyfriend had just finished reading it. Second, it was on my list. Yeah that is about it.


It took me about a week to get though the first 20 pages of this book. I would literally fall asleep somewhere between page 7 and 15. I didn't feel as though it was poorly written, but the book is definitely not my typical fiction novel. As a fan of Harry Potter and Twilight one could imagine a book about a cruel utopia, to be something rather different than my norm. But once I got through those first 20 pages. I was in. The use of language made the book is very vivid. He paints a picture of this disgusting world so well, you begin to look over your shoulder.


Here is my favorite example of this: after six days of this, when the great orgasm was quivering to its climax and the general hatred of Eurasia had boiled up into such delirium that if the crowd could have got their hands on the 2,000 Eurasian war-criminals who were to be publicly hanged on the last day of the proceedings, they would unquestionably have torn them to pieces -- at just this moment it had been announced that Oceania was not after all at war with Eurasia. Oceania was at war with Eastasia. Eurasia was an ally. (chills)


The believable culture that George Orwell created felt vaguely familiar. In a world where we are watched, with our GPS enabled cell phones and traceable emails, I began to relate to the frustrations the main character, Winston, would experience. Winston, felt real. I worried for him. My heart would race at the thought of him being noticed as an outsider, or the thought of him being caught falling in love with a woman, a relationship that wasn't approved by the party. His false sense of security was astounding. For the first 1/4 of the book, he was overly careful; constantly watching his back and making sure he wasn't making any mistakes. And when you least expect it, a person he thought he could trust, turned out to be exactly what he feared. His guard was down--he made a mistake.


The Ministry of Love sequence left me on edge. I was (shit...am)so afraid of the mind fuck they were subjecting him to. Ripping him apart and reshaping him as a minion was mind boggling. The thought of a government reshaping the past in order to have control of the future was intense.


"He who controls the past, controls the future; and he who controls the present, controls the past."


I have to say that this book was amazing. A great lead into my exciting task of tackling some of the best literature ever written. If you haven't read this book. Do. Because. Big Brother is Watching. Indeed.

New Year Resolution

Every year I feel as though I always resolve to do the same thing. To get into better shape. To eat better. Blah blah.


This year I really thought about what I wanted, and I came up with many things.


1st: To read the list of 100 best books ever written I have stumbled upon. (I dont expect to get all 100 completed in one year)
2nd: To climb a 14er by the end of the Summer. 2 - 5 Preferred. (which is requiring me to train and eat healthier)
3rd: To make the most of my time with my kids.
4th: To always look for a positive resolution, even when everything feels impossible.


So there you have it. Those are the things I'd like to accomplish. :-)

It isn't what you have in your pocket that makes you thankful...its what you have in your heart

 As the days in 2010 slowly trickle away, I find myself looking back at a year to remember.  So many changes in my life, and I can only think of one thing that I wish were different.  I am going to list out the things in my life that I am thankful for. I don't typically put things as such down for all to see, but with a year like this, I feel as though its something I want to look back on and remember.

• Strength - my strength to finally say enough.  To say good bye. To follow my heart. In so many ways this year has given me a backbone.
• Family - my family has backed me up more this year than I ever thought possible.  They truly are wonderful, loving people that I truly feel blessed to have in my life.
• Friendship - from my old close ones, Kayla and Savannah to my new close ones, Danni and Lish. To friends that offer support online and the occasional night out, Jess, Britt and Loren, and friends that just listened Katie, Puckett, April, Kristine, Randee and Autumn -- I feel so lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life to have been there for me while I made the hardest decisions in my life.  I even feel blessed for my occasional facebook friends, Michelle K and C, Lici, Carolyn, Nicole W, Buck, Mike H, Adam and Kayla, Eric --- these people provided me with endless support and laughter. Thank you all!
• Love - in a year where anything was possible, this was one thing I wasn't looking for. But it found me. In form of my adorable boss who made me entirely far to nervous.  Our connection wasn't planned and was shocking to us both.  Now, I am in love with an amazing man, (who... is not my boss any more fyi) who makes me laugh and smile constantly.  Jonathan is the person I am most thankful for this year.  His heart astounds me.  He has shown me that I am capable of being in love--this is something I started to question in my life.  I always wondered if I was able to feel this way.  Its impossibly gag worthy. :o) 
• My children -- I put this last because the way I feel for them, is hard to put to words.  I miss them terribly.  I ache for them when they aren't in my home.  I never question my decision to finally end my marriage, but I wonder why it had to be this way.  Even in a year of change, they laugh and smile, and show me that love can be endless. I am thankful that I am their mom.  I feel so blessed to have them in my life.

So there you have it... I am thankful for strength, family, friends, love and my babies. (in no particular order)  I look forward to the rest of my life now... which is something I haven't done in years.